Overcoming Defensiveness for Lasting Connection

Defensiveness: It’s not Me, It’s You

Defensiveness is a natural human response, often triggered when we feel attacked or criticized. Rather than turn toward our partner to hear them, we push back against their communication. We may attack back or criticize the other person in order to shift focus away from our own vulnerabilities or shortcomings. 

For example:

• You confront your partner about how much time they spend immersed in texting, emailing, and scrolling through their social media on their phone, and they immediately criticize you for always being on your computer and taking work calls during personal time.

• Or maybe you ask your partner if they can take over overseeing the kids' homework sometimes, and they respond by listing how they get the lunches ready for school, make sure the kids leave on time, pick up after the family, and they are the only one who makes sure there’s a sitter when needed.

Defensiveness can become a significant barrier to effective communication and emotional connection. When one or both partners frequently resort to defensiveness, it can create a cycle of escalating conflict and hinder the growth of the relationship.

The Challenge of Defensiveness

Defensiveness poses a significant relationship challenge for several reasons, the most crucial being that it blocks connection. Connection means creating space where you will each try to hear and understand the concerns and feelings of the other. (Connective responding doesn’t mean doing exactly what they ask or immediately trying to fix the concerns.)

In couples therapy sessions, I often hear the impact of defensiveness on the complaining partner:

• There’s nothing I can say or way I can say it that will get through to my partner. If I am calm and logical, or angry, I get the same response. They just don’t care about my needs.

• When I am hurt, my partner immediately turns it back on me. I don’t get any care or support. If I am tired, they are more tired. If my feelings are hurt, so are theirs. If I need help, they really need help. 

• My partner doesn’t see my side. I just hear that I am the problem.

Defensiveness also prevents open communication and personal growth. Picture this: no relationship is flawless, and both partners continually encounter areas where personal growth is needed. In fact, relationships allow us a crucial space for personal learning and growth. Disruptions in connection that result in recognizing misses, owning our protective strategies and learning ways to reconnect together, are how our relationships get stronger. However, if one partner responds to criticism by adopting a defensive stance, hindering their ability to accept feedback and reflect, then genuine growth becomes unattainable. Consequently, if a partner resists growth and change, the relationship risks stagnation or even dissolution.

The Tenderness under the Defensive Armor

As couples therapists using emotionally focused therapy, we emphasize the importance of understanding the underlying emotions and needs that drive defensive behaviors. Understanding the raw spots and attachment needs that underlie defensive coping is crucial to unraveling the complexities within a relationship. Raw spots represent emotional wounds or vulnerabilities that individuals carry from their past experiences. These sensitive areas can be easily triggered, leading to defensive reactions as a protective mechanism. Here, we'll explore some common raw spots and attachment needs that contribute to defensiveness in relationships:

1. Fear of Abandonment:

• Raw Spot: This involves a deep-seated fear of being left alone or rejected.

• Attachment Need: Partners need reassurance and a sense of security.

Example Scenario: Imagine you decide to take a weekend trip with friends. Your partner might feel anxious about being left out, prompting them to withdraw or become clingy. By acknowledging their fear and reassuring them of their importance in your life, you can address their attachment needs.

Example Dialogue:

• You: "I know my trip makes you anxious. Let's plan a special date when I return, so we have something to look forward to."

2. Shame and Inadequacy:

• Raw Spot: Past experiences may have left a lasting impression of not being "good enough."

• Attachment Need: Affirmation, validation, and acceptance are critical here.

Example Scenario: After hearing a casual remark about a household chore, your partner might feel criticized, triggering their shame. Instead of deflecting, they need reassurance of their contributions.

Example Dialogue:

• You: "I appreciate how much effort you put into everything, and I value your presence. Let's tackle chores together as a team."

3. Powerlessness and Lack of Control:

• Raw Spot: Feeling like control is slipping away can induce anxiety.

• Attachment Need: Decisions should be made collaboratively, honoring both partners' voices.

Example Scenario: If you make plans without consulting your partner, it might trigger their feelings of powerlessness. Engaging them in decision-making can foster a sense of partnership.

Example Dialogue:

• You: "I was thinking we could switch up our weekend plans. What are your thoughts? Let’s find something we both enjoy."

4. Unmet Emotional Needs:

• Raw Spot: Past emotional neglect can make these needs more urgent.

• Attachment Need: Listening and being responsive to emotional needs is crucial.

Example Scenario: Overlooking your partner's need for emotional support might cause defensiveness. Actively recognizing and addressing these needs can lower their defenses.

Example Dialogue:

• You: "I noticed you've seemed distant lately. Are there feelings or needs we haven't talked about? I'm here to listen."

5. Vulnerability to Criticism:

• Raw Spot: Past criticism can make one hypersensitive to comments.

• Attachment Need: Offering constructive feedback with empathy is important.

Example Scenario: Even gentle suggestions can be misinterpreted as criticism. Providing feedback with care can help reassure them of your positive intent.

Example Dialogue:

• You: "Your ideas are so valuable to me, and I’d love to build on them together. Let's discuss how we can enhance this even more."

6. Betrayal Trauma:

• Raw Spot: Trust issues from past betrayals may haunt the present.

• Attachment Need: Transparency and intentional trust-building actions are key.

Example Scenario: If your partner suspects betrayal, they might get defensive quickly. Working to restore trust through honesty and transparency can soothe these fears.

Example Dialogue:

• You: "I understand why this situation makes you uneasy, given the past. Let's be open about our thoughts and feelings to build trust."

7. Loss and Grief:

• Raw Spot: Unresolved grief can affect current emotions.

• Attachment Need: Show compassion and provide support during these vulnerable times.

Example Scenario: Comments about past losses can trigger grief-induced defensiveness. Offering a space of understanding can be deeply comforting.

Example Dialogue:

• You: "It seems like this conversation has stirred up some sadness. How can I best support you through these emotions?"

By identifying and addressing these raw spots, you can transform defensiveness into opportunities for deeper connection and stronger bonds in your relationship. This approach nurtures emotional safety and fosters a sense of understanding between partners, creating a secure foundation for growth.

Practical Tips for Navigating Defensiveness in Your Relationship

Recognizing the difference between feeling defensive and acting on it is crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship. It's natural to feel defensive when you perceive criticism or fear vulnerability. However, you have the power to choose your response and not let those feelings lead to defensive behavior. Here are some practical strategies to help you and your partner navigate defensiveness:

1. Cultivate Empathy and Compassion

 Developing empathy and compassion in your relationship involves recognizing and valuing your partner's feelings, even when you're in the midst of conflict. Understanding that defensiveness is often an attempt to protect oneself can help you approach difficult conversations with kindness.

• How to Do It: Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes when disagreements arise. Acknowledge their perspective and validate their feelings, even if you don't fully agree. This can lower defenses and open a pathway to collaborative problem-solving.

Example Dialogue:

• You: "I understand that this topic is sensitive for you, and I want to talk about it without either of us feeling attacked. Let’s find a way to discuss it calmly."

2. Practice Mindful Communication

Mindful communication is about being fully present in your interactions. This means listening actively to what your partner says, without interrupting or immediately preparing your rebuttal, and expressing your thoughts clearly and calmly.

• How to Do It: Set aside distractions, like phones or TV, when you're having an important conversation. Focus on understanding your partner's words and the emotions behind them. Use calm and clear language to express your own feelings and needs.

Example Dialogue:

• You: "I value our discussions, so I want to give you my full attention. Let's sit down and talk through this without any distractions."

3. Co-create an Understanding of the Patterns

Identifying and understanding the patterns that trigger defensiveness in your relationship is essential. Acknowledge how past experiences might influence current reactions and work together to create new, healthier patterns of interaction.

• How to Do It: Reflect on past arguments to identify common triggers or themes. Discuss these patterns openly with your partner without blame, and explore alternative ways to respond when these triggers arise.

Example Dialogue:

• You: "I've noticed that certain topics make both of us defensive. Can we look at why that happens and find a new way to approach these discussions?"

4. Talk About Your Feelings, Not Your Partner’s Actions

Shifting the focus from blaming your partner to sharing your own feelings can defuse tension and encourage understanding. Using "I" statements helps you express your emotions without making your partner feel attacked.

• How to Do It: Frame your concerns around your feelings and experiences. Instead of "You always do this," try "I feel [emotion] when [situation]." This invites your partner to listen and respond without becoming defensive.

Example Dialogue:

• You: "I feel hurt when I think there's a misunderstanding between us because our connection is so important to me. Can we talk about how we can fix this?"

5. Consider Couples Therapy

Sometimes, seeking professional help can be an invaluable step in addressing defensiveness. A therapist provides a neutral space where both partners can explore issues constructively with the guidance of a third party.

• How to Do It: Research and choose a therapist together to ensure both partners feel comfortable. Establish goals for therapy, such as improving communication or resolving specific conflicts, and remain open to the process.

Example Dialogue:

• You: "I believe that working with a therapist could help us communicate better and strengthen our relationship. Would you be open to trying it together?"

Defensiveness as Opportunity for Growth

Defensiveness can be a challenging hurdle in relationships, but with a commitment to understanding underlying needs and fostering open communication, couples can transform this coping strategy into an opportunity for personal growth and a deeper emotional connection. Remember, every challenge is a chance for growth, and by working together, couples can build a resilient and fulfilling relationship.

If you're ready to embark on this journey of self-discovery and connection with your partner, schedule a consultation to see if we can help. Together, you can navigate the complexities of defensiveness and build a stronger, more resilient relationship.